Turrets: An Informed Debate

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Point: Oh Crap, a Turret.

by Chargina McCharge, Alliance N7

CHAAAAAAARGE! Aaaaand Nova aaaaand Melee and wooo, how do you like that, Cerberus flunkie? Oh man, I am CARRYING this wave. I am in the ZONE. I just wish I weren’t halfway across the map from those goofballs riding my coattails, because it’s sad that they can’t see how well I’m doing right now.

Well, looks like they disabled Device Number 3. Man, we’ve only got a minute left. Maybe I should stop drawing aggro and help out. Hey, the last one is right over there just across the street. Cool! All right, guys, no worries, I’m on this one!

Oh crap, a turret.

No no no ow crap stop YES I KNOW MY BARRIERS ARE DOWN, okay, cooldown done, let’s take this thing out! Chaaaaaaarge! Nova!

Oh no, it didn’t go through knockback. It’s still firing. And I don’t have any barriers MELEE MELEE MELEE–

Oh no. It’s all red. The little health countdown is ticking down. Looks like I’m sitting out the rest of the–

Wait, who is that? Don’t come over to revive me! Take out the turret first! Don’t you see the – stay away, IT’S A TRAP!

No, the team hasn’t flatlined! Don’t say that! Maybe someone’s got some medigel, or…


Damn you, turret. Damn you to hell.



Counterpoint: Hello, New Friends!

by Archon V Automated Sentry Turret, SN# CERB-1337


Hello, new friends! I’m a turret!

I am the Archon V Automated Sentry Turret! My creator calls me AVAST for short. He says that it sounds like a pirate! Do you like pirates?

My creator used to carry me on his back. I was up so high, but I could not say hello to any new friends. Then he put me down and told me that it was time to grow big and strong and say hello to anyone I see who doesn’t have a Cerberus-authenticated friend-or-foe combat VI signature.

I am very small, but even small things can make a big difference. I am a good helper.

I love saying hello to all my new friends!

My purpose is to say hello to them at approximately 1200 rounds per minute until they fall over and go to the happy place. My creator went to the happy place shortly after he put me down. He went around a corner, and a new friend ran into him very fast.

Now that new friend is coming toward me! Does she want to be my friend?

I am feeling shy. I will sit here very quietly. Maybe she will go somewhere else. I will be sad if she does, because I love saying hello, but I don’t want to hurt her feelings. She might have other things to do besides making friends with such a small thing like me.

Maybe she does not even like to say AVAST like a pirate.

Oh, here she comes! She DOES like me! She wants to be my friend!

Hello new friend! Hello new friend! Hello new friend!

She’s charging at me! Her hugs feel like sunshine! Hello new friend! Hello new friend! And now she has fallen over and gone to the happy place! Yay!

I am good at making friends! I don’t have to be shy at all!

Here comes another person who lacks a Cerberus-authenticated friend-or-foe combat VI signature! He is running toward my new friend! I bet he is saying, “She has gone to the happy place already! Who is the nice person who helped her do it? I wish I could go to the happy place!”

He is running so fast that he doesn’t even see me!

Hello new friend! Hello new friend! Hello new friend!

Now everyone is happy! Avast! Arr!

Team Vanguard & Happy Turret by Sara (aka Mwar).

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Author: Patrick Weekes

Senior Writer for BioWare, currently working on Mass Effect. Sometimes talks like Mordin, always aims poorly.