With Halloween just around the corner, we’ve embraced the spirit of the season by creating an atmosphere that will traumatize small children. From the blood-spattered entrance to rows of hanging limbs, our “southern slaughterhouse” theme illustrates the implicit dangers of free candy. (You have to make the very most out of a holiday that gives you a free pass to terrify others, right?)
Unfortunately, Take Your Child To Work Day doesn’t overlap with this cherished holiday, meaning the youth of today won’t learn about the power of hard work in a way that will haunt them for years, costing untold thousands in therapy.
Nothing says “No escape” like a blood-covered security door.
“Why’d they cut off their legs?” “Well, how else do you keep someone from running away?”
“Don’t worry about that handprint. I’m sure it wasn’t their blood.”
“No, no of course she can’t move. She only does that at night while you’re asleep.”
“And that’s why you brush your teeth.”
“Well, Billy, these are the stakes when you play Gauntlet. When you live on the razor’s edge, things get real.”
“A zombie outbreak can happen at any time, Suzie. That’s why you can’t ever let yourself get too comfortable.”
“I can’t finger out what I want to drink. Get it? Wait, why are you crying again?”
“What are the chances someone reached inside the machine and tampered with all of the candy? 100 percent, Billy. It’s 100 per cent. Look at that handprint. Whoever left that was relentless. Half an inch of glass wouldn’t stop them.”