Part 1 of 1, by Sheryl Chee and Mary Kirby
Q: Hi there. Thanks for giving this interview.
Wynne: It’s a pleasure.
Sten: Am I to understand that an “interview” is an occasion set aside for the sole purpose of asking questions?
Q: Yes.
Sten: If this turns into another discussion of cat-girls, I’m leaving.
Q: Why don’t you introduce yourselves? For the benefit of the people who haven’t kept up with the website?
Wynne: I am Wynne, a mage of the Circle of Magi.
Sten: I am Sten of the Beresaad.
Tower Guard: My name’s actually Walter. I’m—
Wynne: You should use a coaster.
Tower Guard: What?
Wynne: A coaster. For your drink. It’s sweating and leaving water rings on the table.
Tower Guard: It’s just water! It’s just—
Sten: Do what she says. She’s a mage. She’s liable to snap and kill us all if you annoy her.
Wynne: Sten, you annoy me frequently, and I haven’t killed you yet.
Sten: Yet.
Q: Let’s move on. Now, Sten, what do you say to the allegations that you are a big softie?
Sten: I am not a “softie”. “Big” is, I suppose, harder to dispute.
Q: Uh-huh. But you like cookies. What do you think that says about you?
Sten: That I have sound culinary judgment.
Q: Does it bother you that your love of cookies seems to be the only thing that interests people?
Sten: There’s little point in being bothered by it. Humans are silly creatures, easily amused by shiny things and quickly moving objects. You might as well ask if it bothers me that dwarves are short.
Q: What makes you an interesting person then?
Sten: To humans? I suppose the fact that I make sudden movements and loud noises helps.
Q: What was your childhood like?
Sten: Brief and easily cured.
Q: Are you reading anything right now?
Sten: In Pursuit of Knowledge: The Travels of a Chantry Scholar by Brother Genitivi. It’s good if you have an uneven table leg to stabilize.
Wynne: Oh, I haven’t read that one yet. His Tales of the Destruction of Thedas wasn’t bad, though.
Q: Tell us your favorite ice-cream flavor?
Sten: Butter brickle. Feel free to obsess over that, too.
Tower Guard: What’s ice-cream?
Wynne: I prefer lavender.
Sten: I thought that was a flower?
Wynne: It is. And it makes a lovely ice-cream.
Q: Wynne, tell us about yourself. What was your childhood like?
Wynne: Filled with wonderful discoveries about magic. And templars. I mean… there were always templars about, not that I made discoveries about them.
Tower Guard: I was dirty a lot—
Sten: What a surprise.
Wynne: Though there was that one man… we discovered that he actually had a peg leg under his armor. It was fun trying to throw him off-balance.
Q: So, about your magical bosom—
Wynne: Maker. Not this again.
Q: Is it really magical? Inquiring minds want to know.
Wynne: And by “inquiring minds” do you mean Zevran? Did he put you up to this? Oh, we are going to have some words, Zevran and I.
Q: What words? Words like “magical” and “bosom”?
Wynne: No. Words like… “I am” and “going to string you up” and perhaps “by your ears”. Next question.
Q: But we’re not done talking about your—
Wynne: Next!
Q: Um… what would you say to the people on the forums who dismiss you as “one-dimensional”?
Wynne: (sighs) What does one say to that? I suppose I could be facetious and point out my “magical bosom”, which is anything but “one-dimensional”.
Q: What are you reading right now?
Wynne: From the Shower to the Battlefield: A History of Bards. Fascinating read, especially the chapter on Orlesian bathroom construction.
Tower Guard: I can write my name! Want to see?
Sten: The Fereldan people continue to astonish with their accomplishments.
Q: This one’s for everyone: Would you rather be a small fish in a big pond, or a big fish in a small pond?
Sten: I would rather not be a fish.
Wynne: Small fish, big pond.
Tower Guard: I fell into a pond once…
Sten: Did the experience rob you of the ability to answer questions with something relevant?
Q: Okay, so Jane Austen and Beatrix Potter are fighting to the death. Who do you think will win?
Sten: Austen. She’s much more cut-throat.
Wynne: I don’t approve of blood sport. In the dwarven lands they have the Provings. The fights are often to the death. It’s rather barbaric, really. Am I to conclude, from your question, that you have a something similar in your culture?
Q: Well, there’s hockey…
Wynne: Hockey?
Q: It involves men with large beards and sticks fighting over a cup.
Wynne: Ah, I see. It sounds very dwarven, doesn’t it?
Q: That was fun, but we’re almost out of time.
Tower Guard: Oy! What about me? I paid three sovereigns for this interview. They said if I got my name out there, I could maybe get promoted to Castle Guard, or… or something!
Sten: Are you even in this game? I don’t remember you.
Wynne: Oh, he is, but he doesn’t make it out of the Prelude, poor thing.
Tower Guard: WHAT?!
Wynne: It’s best if you don’t dwell on it.
Q: Before we go, is there anything you want to say to the fans?
Sten: Are we done yet?
Wynne: “Get off my lawn!” (whispers) I’ve always wanted to say that.
Tower Guard: (sobs) I don’t want to die…
-END-
Sheryl Chee is a professional Minion of David Gaider, and came to BioWare from a faraway land, packed in a small styrofoam crate marked “Perishable”. She has a philosophy degree, which trained her for a career of making things up. In her spare time, Sheryl enjoys killing zombies, and knitting. She is often mistaken for a random number generator.
Mary Kirby possesses a degree in Creative Writing and the nigh-superhuman ability to make a turkey sandwich on sourdough in under thirty seconds. She came to Bioware hoping to get one of those awesome steel travel mugs. After working as a writer and professional Minion of David Gaider on Dragon Age: Origins, she still doesn’t have a coffee mug.
Tags: chee, dragon age, humor, kirby
September 16, 2009 at 1:32 pm |
That was great, poor Tower Guard just try and keep your head down.
September 16, 2009 at 1:37 pm |
Something tells me that Walter has two kids and a sick wife, and once he is dead you have to take care or them. Get the kids to school, get something to eat, travel the land to find a cure for the wife, Andrina is her name. Everything gets interesting once you notice that there is no cure for Andrina as she is not sick, but only posing, trying to get rid of you. But everything becomes clear when you see that Andrina is in real the Dragon Andrinasa, and you have to kill her. But you also have to put a end to the children who are now a human/dragon hybrid …
… Well … BioWare wouldn’t make that, … but it would be a interesting story change for a BW game.
Greg the Mad
September 16, 2009 at 1:52 pm |
Loved it! Someone get Mary a mug, dang it.
September 16, 2009 at 3:25 pm |
Done!
September 16, 2009 at 1:52 pm |
Lovely! Thanks for making me smile from one ear to the other.
Poor Walter. Maybe he gets a second chance in a fanmod… the idea tickles my mind.
September 16, 2009 at 2:53 pm |
So Sten reads Austen?
September 16, 2009 at 4:01 pm |
Poor walter… He was my favorite and now he’s going to die. Ha it would be hilarious if you could save him and when you talked to him he would always be off topic.
September 16, 2009 at 4:32 pm |
Gorgeous !
Ladies, you are talented.
Thanks a lot for this cool moment.
A
September 16, 2009 at 5:34 pm |
It’s alright.
September 16, 2009 at 5:44 pm |
This was really brilliant! I hope we see more pieces of creative writing like this in the future.
September 16, 2009 at 6:58 pm |
I just wanted to say thank you. This really made me smile and laugh uncontrollably in my girlfriends living room, but it was well worth it, lol. If the diologue in the game is anything like this, when combined with everything else, it will truly be the best game ever made!!!!
September 16, 2009 at 7:13 pm |
This was the most awesome blog entry in the HISTORY of blog entries.
September 16, 2009 at 9:02 pm |
This Blog is full of WYNNE!!
And some other folks too
Sorry — I should stop trying to be punny!
September 16, 2009 at 10:39 pm |
[quote]Sorry — I should stop trying to be punny![/quote]
And deprive us of your Wynning personality?
But seriously – what a Stenningly great mock interview!
September 17, 2009 at 12:14 am |
I demand another!!
This is full of Epic Wynne!
September 17, 2009 at 2:17 am |
I think Jane Austen and Beatrix Potter would get into a slap fight and then roll around in some pudding.
That was the funniest thing I’ve read in awhile.
September 17, 2009 at 6:35 am |
Am I to conclude that dwarves are Canadian?
September 17, 2009 at 6:36 am |
Hey now — I resemble that remark!!
September 17, 2009 at 6:48 am
How does one resemble a remark?
September 17, 2009 at 7:36 am |
A short Canadian … never mind … was just trying to be punny again :p
September 17, 2009 at 7:43 am |
I like some lines, but all in all, this was “hoho”-level.
September 17, 2009 at 7:47 am |
Hehehe… Nice!
but now with all the sympathy to Walter all I can ask is to start collection of some symbolic sums of gold to save poor Tower guard from his miserable destiny
September 17, 2009 at 9:35 am |
This was well funny, thanks
September 17, 2009 at 9:39 am |
Tee-hee! Wynne said, “Bosom!”
September 17, 2009 at 10:00 am |
LOL! Great read.
I also have a degree in making things up! lol
September 17, 2009 at 10:12 am |
Cheer up Walter! It’s not like you’re gonna d–… Oh.
September 17, 2009 at 10:30 am |
thanks muchly guys – it was hilarious – good job
September 17, 2009 at 10:40 am |
Lol ! It’s excellent ! I’m enjoying it !
Good job, this off-setting is great ! The confrontation between Wynne, Sten and this tower guard is really hilarious !
September 17, 2009 at 11:03 am |
that was awesome i think this game is gonna own my free time for a year or so man i think this game is gonna be my favorite rpg since suikoden 1 and 2!!!!!! and it looks pretty dern METAL!
September 17, 2009 at 2:12 pm |
This is great!
Nice to see an update on the website, lol!
Hopefully there’ll be more stuff like this while we wait for november.
September 17, 2009 at 5:16 pm |
Thanks. That cracked me up. Mr Gaider needs to set his minions loose on the unsuspecting public more often.
September 17, 2009 at 9:20 pm |
This was one of the dumbest things I’ve ever read.
September 18, 2009 at 1:57 pm |
Yet you felt compelled to stick around and return the favor?
I was surprised by Sten, I thought Alistair was the witty comedian!
Again, great work, even the second time I read it, it made me chuckle
September 19, 2009 at 7:56 am |
ahahah very nice…… enjoy your life tower guard!….. until you can !!
September 19, 2009 at 9:55 am |
Walter should quit the guard, maybe take up farming, his faking dragon wife cud do the thinking and his mutant hybrid kids cud work the fields and he’d be safe and well……
special thanks to gregor lamche lol
September 20, 2009 at 3:42 pm |
Very creative and even funnier. I hope the game has a few scenarios resembling this. I look forward to this game with more enthusiasm everyday. take care.
PS: Tower Guard I’m rooting for you to live! Don’t let me down..
September 21, 2009 at 5:30 pm |
i wonted to know if u creat ur own guy?
September 22, 2009 at 8:07 am |
Yup. You have a huge character creation system from race, class, playable origin story to the finest details of your face. No worries!
September 24, 2009 at 4:19 am |
Meanies be nice the the tower guard!
*refuses to buy the game without a grantee that no poor tower guards gets hurt*
Ow and i love the banter the two of you and other BW staffers have going on the the forums.
September 24, 2009 at 2:15 pm |
It was really funny, I’m impatient to see Sten and Wynne in action!
Her last sentence reminds me of the movie Gran Torino! Didi she saw it?
September 29, 2009 at 11:04 am |
seems like a great game im going to pre order 1 in case i lose it
October 1, 2009 at 12:36 am |
well after browsing this site of everything then to finish it off with this wonderful interview i think it’s safe to say- LMAO poor ol’ tower gaurd.. anywho, i think it’s safe to say it’s time to go get some money and pre order this game ASAP!!!!
*taps foot waiting impatiently for november*
October 20, 2009 at 7:52 pm |
Number 1: i would like to thank bioware for finally giving Mary Kirby that mug.(be nice to your employees!!!)
Number 2: I would like to put in a vote for a video of the superhuman turkey sandwich on sourdough skills.
and Finally Number 3: umm if having a Philosophy degree makes you able to kill zombies with skill will we see Plato and Socrates as downloadable NPCs in the future?